Day 1: Set sail 2day. My calcs show only 3K miles to Asia. Should be EZ voyage...like Love Boat w/o Gopher. Snooze cruise!
Day 3: Crew in high spirits (not drunk). Can’t imagine what could go wrong. Looking 4ward to all the “T” in China...get it?
Day 10: Not much 2 do so far. Been reading Bible passages. “Blessed R meek”…what’s up with that? Crew busy swabbing decks.
Day 21: Exhausted writing memoirs of how gr8 I’m gonna be as “Admiral of the Ocean Sea.” Time 4 fun. Shuffleboard, anyone?
Day 28: Hear Peking lovely in autumn. Crew thinking of Great Wall, Forbidden City. Must pick up some souvenirs 4 my sons.
Day 36: A man, a plan, a canal—Panama! Would be a great palindrome if I knew what “Panama” was. Will have to discover it.
Day 49: So sick of H20. Wish I’d brought GPS, iPod, even Game Boy. Feel cut off w/o my FB friends. Would kill 4 pizza 2nite.
Day 62: Uh-oh. Men have been eyeing each other, licking lips. Phrase “stuck pigs” comes to mind. Mars needs Venus…stat!
Day 70: Seeing birds, kelp = signs? First one 2 spot land gets gold. That’ll B me, of course. Perk of being captain…hee hee!
Day 71: Land ho! Tally ho! Don Ho! Ho ho ho! Doin’ a happy dance ’cuz the world is round and we didn’t fall off the edge.
Day 71: Arrived East Indies. Claimed 4 Ferdinand & Izzie. 2 bad 4 peeps who previously owned continent. U snooze, U lose!
Day 71: They said I couldn’t do it…hah! Will B hero in 1493. Maybe name a country, state capital, or district after me…neat!
Day 72: Encountered 1st n8tives 2day. Ppl keep pointing 2 themselves, uttering gibberish. Not cool. Will call them “Indians.”
Day 72: Naked chix! Like Girls Gone Wild, but real! ’Bout time we got some. Men claim it’s human nature—wives won’t mind.
Day 73: Indians R innocent as babes. Haven’t heard about avoiding strangers. Give ’em “treats” and they’ll follow us home.
Day 88: Making amazing discoveries. Jamaica => reggae. Haiti => voodoo. Cuba => cigars. Puerto Rico => “West Side Story.”
Day 97: Still no sign of Chinese. Must B busy w/ gunpowder, silk, laundry. Oh, well…no biggie. Plenty 2 see and do w/o them.
Day 106: Teaching n8tives 2 stop sinning, start fearing hellfire. Lucky them. What joy 2 B Xian & join Lord’s flock of sheep!
Day 113: Hearing rumors of great Indian civilizations, cities of gold, fountain of youth. Silly savages w/ their fairy tales!
Day 120: Guantanamo Bay = good place 4 prison camp. Moors still uppity in Iberia. Should ship them here, hold them w/o trial.
Day 135: Men getting tired of Caribbean cruise. Want 2 take the money and run. Can’t blame ’em. Am sick of looking 4 Cathay.
Day 144: N8tives won’t share wealth. Selfish! Didn’t Christ say ’tis better 2 give than 2 receive? Or was that Santa? Whatever.
Day 149: N8tives still refuse 2 bring us gold. Had 2 cut off hands 2 make point. Hurt me more than it hurt them. Infuriating!
Day 163: Leaving men behind 2 guard fort. Imagine they’ll be BFFs w/ Indians by time I return. Maybe run a resort as partners?
Day 167: Heading back. Lost ship and men, didn’t find Chinese or gold…oops! No matter. King/queen should love spices, slaves.
Day 174: Can’t wait 4 parade down Main Street, key to the city, my own talk show. Maybe holiday named 4 me. Yo, I deserve it!
Day 181: Long. Voyage. Home. Wish Indians would stop moaning. I’m the seasick one. Going 2 bed...wake me when we get there.
Day 225: Arrived at Palos, Spain. Where is everybody? Must B gathered 2 honor my courage and guts. Happy Colon Day, everyone!