I have the right of every free-thinking individual to make rational and logical judgments based on the facts and evidence. Unlike you, I can determine who's an actual Indian in many cases. Occasionally it's hard, but often it's easy.
Well, I don't. I can think of lots of cases where it's important to distinguish between real and fake Indians. If you can't, you haven't been reading this blog long enough.
Get involved, whoever you are
Well, that's good to know. So you don't mind if I declare myself an Indian? And teach young Indians everything I know about being Indian?
In my case, you won't have to worry about losing the knowledge. Because I've gotten most of my Native knowledge from books and articles. Any time you need to relocate this Native lore, you can go to any library and do it.
If there's anything I don't know, we can hire someone from Shamans 'R' Us to fill in the gaps. We can tell how knowledgeable he is by how much he charges for his services. If his claims seem phony...well, we won't worry about it, because a real Native would never lie to us.
Because the truth doesn't matter, right? As long as we say we're Indians, that's good enough. Why waste time asking for blood quantum or tribal enrollment or community acceptance? Just take our word for it.
You, me, Ward Churchill, Chief Illiniwek, Cher, Dick Cheney, Osama bin Laden...we're all related. We're all Indians in one way or another. We're all qualified to teach young Indians how to be Indian.
Proud of my heritage, whatever it is
I'm proud enough of my Anglo heritage. But you've said it's a waste of time to judge whether I have any Native heritage to be proud of. So we'll skip the judging stage and go straight to the teaching stage. I'll teach all those young Indians everything I know about them.
Whether they're Navajo, Lakota, or Cherokee, they'll learn about the Great Spirit, tipis, totem poles, medicine wheels, peace pipes, smoke signals, flute music, and other key aspects of Native culture. By the time I'm done, they'll have as much authentic Indian knowledge as I do. And take my word for it, that's a lot.
Does anybody not get the point yet? Or should I continue mocking this poor fellow? I can do this all day long, you know.
For more on the subject, see Rob Doesn't Understand "Mutts"?
Below: "I just found a Cherokee princess in my family tree. Please give me a government handout and let me open a casino. And cast me in the next Twilight movie."