Go to it MTV! Don't let moral outrage get in your way!
To: AJ.Sarcione@mtvstaff.com; Janet.Borelli@mtvstaff.com; Jeannie.Kedas@mtvstaff.com
Dear Ms Kedas, Ms Borelli and Mr Sarcione,
First of all may I congratulate you all on your superb programme Cowboys & Findians.
I wasn't even aware Indians were still living in America. I thought John Wayne had them all shot.
It was hilarious to see them trying to be just like those crazy natives...dressed in feathers and fishing with their teeth…that must have taken some practice!! You must have spent hours researching their cultural habits.
It is such a refreshing change to see this calibre of humour on our screens in this absurd climate of political correctness and racial equality.
With this in mind, might I suggest some more programme ideas in the same mould. Perhaps Homeboys & Finiggers...the guys have to assimilate into a black neighbourhood. They have to get cracked up to the eyeballs, do a drive-by shooting while singing Al Jolson's 'Ma Blushin' Rosie' with a mouthful of watermelon. The final round sees them being invited to stay overnight in a benevolent white family's home. Can they resist the temptation to eat the occupants?
Jewboys & Fingefiltefish....This time they have to crash a Holocaust Remembrance service at the Mount of Olives. Their tasks will be to conceal themselves in the crowd wearing tea towels and fake rubber noses; circumcise each other with rusty saw blades and avoid mentioning pork in conversation with the rabbi. Points are awarded for ad lib Shylock impressions and attempting to get 2 for the price of 1 at the BBQ.
Chicoboys & Finspicks....Climbing fences and negotiating razorwire is the name of the game here. These crazy guys have to avoid guard towers and minefields dressed in ponchos, sombreros and try not to be shot at. Once in the clear, they are to acquire gardening jobs and suchlike and generally be of service to the well-to-do. Points are awarded for persistent whinging, undermining the entire economic infrastructure of the United States and smelling of burritos.
Guiniboys & Finwops....Once initiated into the 'Family' the guys now have to set up their own fake murdering business as a front for moving illegal shipments of hair oil onto the market. Watch out though, someone's a rat!! Before they know it they're hiding in a Brooklyn Speakeasy dressed as Mussolini, singing O sole mio and giving everyone herpes.
Chinkboys & Finslopes....Starting at opposite ends of the United States, this involves laying a miniature railtrack as quick as possible (chop chop!!) in memory of those crazy Chinamen all those years ago. Lots of bowing and funny walks are the call of the day, as are homemade goofy teeth and googleyed glasses. Don't be caught slacking while on the job or the big company owners will shoot you dead. The winners get to go to an authentic Oriental restaurant were they will be treated to the national dish--freshly boiled poodle noodles.
I hope this gives you some inspiration for further programming. I wish you the very best of luck and hope to see more harmless family entertainment at others expense. Me and my educationally subnormal half-sister's cousinwife haven't laughed this much since My Lai.
Go to it! Don't let moral outrage get in your way.
Well done MTV and its subsidiaries for taking freedom of speech to hitherto unimagined depths and broadcasting what the civilised world would simply elect not to.
Yours in ignorance,
What do you think would happen if MTV put on any of these shows? National outrage, that's what.
I'd love to hear someone explain why all these episodes would be okay. Or why Cowboys & Findians is okay but these episodes would be wrong. Help me out here, somebody.
For more on the subject, see Deadliest Warrior vs. The Dudesons and Ethical Code for Native Elders Needed.
Below: A possible star for the Chinkboys & Finslopes episode.