June 09, 2012

"The right to make anyone an Indian"

As LaDonna Harris did with Johnny Depp, a Facebook friend of mine can turn anyone into an Indian. He explains how his magical power of adoption works:

I have bestowed upon myself the right to make anyone an Indian…

By Bill TooCute WetzelSpecifically, Blackfeet, but I reserve the right to make somebody an Indian just in general.

How did this idea come about?

Well for decades I have had to listen to my dad, uncles, older relatives make claims about the Indianness of various people. Usually celebrities. Some clown on TV. An athlete.

“Oh yeah, they claim so and so is part Indian.”

I have always wondered who “they” were.

Well now it turns out “they” is me.

See the other night Sterling Holywhitemountain (pronounced in Blackfeet as “Sterlin Shelt”) and I were discussing the film Panic Room, which he was watching at the time. He mentioned how he always liked Dwight Yoakam after watching him in the film Sling Blade. I then mentioned how Indians always seem to like Dwight Yoakam. My dad does. My cousin Ed Juneau. Hell I even like Dwight Yoakam. So then I said: “That does it, Dwight Yoakam is Blackfeet, I’ve decided it, so from here on out he just is.”

Sterling then added that that’s probably how it was in the old days, if you just like somebody they were Blackfeet.

This makes some sense to me.

So let me give you a few examples of some people who are obviously Blackfeet, or at least Indian, then I will give you a shortlist of my (and Sterling’s list too) picks for potential Blackfeet. Scottie Pippen. Why? Because I am sick and damn tired of every Indian I know saying they think Scottie Pippen is Indian. Fuck it, Scottie, you’re Blackfeet, now lets move on. Bill Clinton is the most obvious Blackfeet Indian in the history of the world. Why? Well as Sterling so wonderfully put: “"Only a Blackfeet man in power would fuck with such indiscretion." Yeah case closed. Women? Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos. If you ever saw a reservation girl fight that speaks for itself. Wanda Sykes is also Blackfeet. That also should be fairly self-explanatory. Also obvious Blackfeet, Waylon Jennings, Billie Jo Shaver and my 75 year old, 80 pound neighbor who had to be drug away to a hospital for her own health by several police officers and medics, several of whom she bit. Charlie Sheen? Yup, pretty much.
Comment:  For more on Johnny Depp, see Comanche Filmmmaker Criticizes Depp and Jones:  "Depp Is an Indian"

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