October 12, 2009

Columbus twitters

Day 1:  Set sail 2day. My calcs show only 3K miles to Asia. Should be EZ voyage...like Love Boat w/o Gopher. Snooze cruise!

Day 3:  Crew in high spirits (not drunk). Can’t imagine what could go wrong. Looking 4ward to all the “T” in China...get it?

Day 10:  Not much 2 do so far. Been reading Bible passages. “Blessed R meek”…what’s up with that? Crew busy swabbing decks.

Day 21:  Exhausted writing memoirs of how gr8 I’m gonna be as “Admiral of the Ocean Sea.” Time 4 fun. Shuffleboard, anyone?

Day 28:  Hear Peking lovely in autumn. Crew thinking of Great Wall, Forbidden City. Must pick up some souvenirs 4 my sons.

Day 36:  A man, a plan, a canal—Panama! Would be a great palindrome if I knew what “Panama” was. Will have to discover it.

Day 49:  So sick of H20. Wish I’d brought GPS, iPod, even Game Boy. Feel cut off w/o my FB friends. Would kill 4 pizza 2nite.

Day 62:  Uh-oh. Men have been eyeing each other, licking lips. Phrase “stuck pigs” comes to mind. Mars needs Venus…stat!

Day 70:  Seeing birds, kelp = signs? First one 2 spot land gets gold. That’ll B me, of course. Perk of being captain…hee hee!

Day 71:  Land ho! Tally ho! Don Ho! Ho ho ho! Doin’ a happy dance ’cuz the world is round and we didn’t fall off the edge.

Day 71:  Arrived East Indies. Claimed 4 Ferdinand & Izzie. 2 bad 4 peeps who previously owned continent. U snooze, U lose!

Day 71:  They said I couldn’t do it…hah! Will B hero in 1493. Maybe name a country, state capital, or district after me…neat!

Day 72:  Encountered 1st n8tives 2day. Ppl keep pointing 2 themselves, uttering gibberish. Not cool. Will call them “Indians.”

Day 72:  Naked chix! Like Girls Gone Wild, but real! ’Bout time we got some. Men claim it’s human nature—wives won’t mind.

Day 73:  Indians R innocent as babes. Haven’t heard about avoiding strangers. Give ’em “treats” and they’ll follow us home.

Day 88:  Making amazing discoveries. Jamaica => reggae. Haiti => voodoo. Cuba => cigars. Puerto Rico => “West Side Story.”

Day 97:  Still no sign of Chinese. Must B busy w/ gunpowder, silk, laundry. Oh, well…no biggie. Plenty 2 see and do w/o them.

Day 106:  Teaching n8tives 2 stop sinning, start fearing hellfire. Lucky them. What joy 2 B Xian & join Lord’s flock of sheep!

Day 113:  Hearing rumors of great Indian civilizations, cities of gold, fountain of youth. Silly savages w/ their fairy tales!

Day 120:  Guantanamo Bay = good place 4 prison camp. Moors still uppity in Iberia. Should ship them here, hold them w/o trial.

Day 135:  Men getting tired of Caribbean cruise. Want 2 take the money and run. Can’t blame ’em. Am sick of looking 4 Cathay.

Day 144:  N8tives won’t share wealth. Selfish! Didn’t Christ say ’tis better 2 give than 2 receive? Or was that Santa? Whatever.

Day 149:  N8tives still refuse 2 bring us gold. Had 2 cut off hands 2 make point. Hurt me more than it hurt them. Infuriating!

Day 163:  Leaving men behind 2 guard fort. Imagine they’ll be BFFs w/ Indians by time I return. Maybe run a resort as partners?

Day 167:  Heading back. Lost ship and men, didn’t find Chinese or gold…oops! No matter. King/queen should love spices, slaves.

Day 174:  Can’t wait 4 parade down Main Street, key to the city, my own talk show. Maybe holiday named 4 me. Yo, I deserve it!

Day 181:  Long. Voyage. Home. Wish Indians would stop moaning. I’m the seasick one. Going 2 bed...wake me when we get there.

Day 225:  Arrived at Palos, Spain. Where is everybody? Must B gathered 2 honor my courage and guts. Happy Colon Day, everyone!


Anonymous said...

I first laughed, then I was angry, then a bit sad.

Rob said...

A comment received via e-mail:

Hey Rob,

Just wanted to let you know I just read your Columbus Day blog, and cracked up! I sent it all around the office. What an awesome way to make that statement!

Laura Myford