October 05, 2010

Tea Party Guide to American History

Introducing:  The Tea Party Guide to American History!

By Phil N. MoléHi Patriots:

Tired of textbooks written by liberals who wipe their muddy feet on the American flag and won't be happy until all of our children are vegetarian, atheist, and gay? Then order the new 'Tea Party Guide to American History," and save your child from the siren call of socialist homosexuality.

This book will teach your children no more or less than what they need to know to be able to have a defiant, admirably unreflective perspective on their country's history. Things like this:

American Prehistory

In 6,000 BC, the land containing the present-day United States was created, by God. Large masses of land surrounding the current Unites States were also created, for purposes known only in heaven.

The land containing the United States was designated for a special purpose by God--a future safe haven for the teachings of Jesus, and a place where women shouldn’t be able to get abortions and men should never use condoms.

Indians, aka “Native Americans”

This is as good of a time as any to address the fact that there were people here before the European settlers arrived, namely, Indians. Some people call them “Native Americans,” but that’s a contradiction in terms, because America is a land of immigrants--you selfish, unpatriotic asshole Indians.

Revisionist, America-hating liberals try to make it look like there were lots of Indians here who had a complex, vibrant culture, so we’d feel ashamed of ourselves for taking their land and eliminating them. But there totally weren’t that many. And according to the earliest documented evidence we’ve seen of their culture (a John Ford film made in Hollywood in the 1930s), these Indians really don’t come off well at all.

Plus, haven’t we already paid enough homage to Indian culture? We’ve named subdivisions of retirement communities after them, and little league and professional sports teams, and we like drinking beer when a sports mascot in an Indian costume dances during halftime. What more do these ungrateful people want?
Other highlights from this Tea Party textbook:The Revolutionary War and Early Days of the Republic

Series of illustrations: George Washington and the cherry tree, George Washington in battle, and the American flag, flying high against a blue sky background. Take a moment to reflect on these images, and feel warm and good inside. This concludes the lesson on the Revolutionary Era.

Civil War

The War of Yankee Aggression, waged against helpless Southern states who only wanted limited government, states rights, and a nice sip of sweet tea. It wasn’t about slavery, and in fact, so-called slaves were better treated than most white males are--a trend that continues today. Slavery was possibly a little racist, in retrospect. But slavery ended with the Civil War, and so did racism.

World War II

There was a World War before this, and America won it.

We won this one, too, but liberals keep whining about the fact that so many Japanese Americans were interned in camps. But eye witnesses at the time swear that all of the Japanese who were relocated looked A LOT like the perpetrators of the Pearl Harbor attacks. More disturbingly, they were sometimes overheard speaking a language that did not appear to be English. There were no more Pearl Harbor attacks after the internment--think about that.

Feminism and Women’s Liberation

Paved the way for Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin, but otherwise an unmitigated disaster. Across the country, dinners languish uncooked, and undersexed men were forced to cheat or to visit prostitutes, which they never would have done otherwise, because men are awesome. And lots of women begin talking about how they want men to show their “feelings.” We’d been TRYING to show you how we felt, but then you passed sexual harassment laws.
Comment:  This is only barely a satire. For starters, many creationists do believe God created the universe a few thousand years ago. Teaching about America's eons of geological and biological history violates their beliefs.

Many people will denounce you if you claim pre-Columbian America was inhabited by sophisticated Indian nations with complex cultures. These people commonly assert that our country is God's gift to the world. They routinely attribute the American Revolution to a few great, freedom-loving men. As we saw in the Confederate History Month controversy, they deny the role of slavery in the Civil War. They defend the internment of Japanese Americans the way they defend the subjugation of Indians--e.g., it was "unfortunate but necessary." Etc.

For more on conservative textbooks, see Indians in Christian Textbooks and Conservatives Want Christian Textbooks. For more on our national myth-making, see Why We Believe in Columbus and National Day of the American Cowboy. For more on American history in general, see Ten Little Pilgrims and Indians and Fun 4th of July Facts.

10 comments:

Genevieve Lopez said...

Ugh. Yeah, I went to high school in Florida (transplanted, not a Southerner) for one day before deciding I'd be better served with an online diploma-- that Civil War quote is nearly verbatim to the history textbook the school was using, as ridiculous as that probably sounds to Northerners.

Scott said...

It's a stereotype that all us indians support abortion. Abortion clinics cluster in minority areas for a reason, they are part of the genocide scheme against people of color. Not all indians conform to the stereotypes on this web site, despite your carefully selected native editorial review board.

Rob said...

Where did I claim that "all Indians support abortion," Scott? Nowhere in this posting, certainly.

Nowhere, period. I've never made such a claim.

There are no stereotypes on my website other than the ones I've criticized. If you disagree, cite and quote the evidence of these alleged stereotypes.

Burt said...

Abortions are not the issue, race preservation is. Ever notice how you never see minorities protesting or killing doctors at abortion clinics?

Only white, uneducated religious fanatics with the goals to keep white females from aborting their young think abortion is wrong.

God does not play into this argument very well either because he has his own record of infanticide since Jesus' time; into America's killing of infant natives and today with children dying of starvation in Africa and the wars of Iraq and Afghanistan.

That is the record of everyone's merciful God.

The Tea Party are nothing but a bunch of spoiled and whiny malcontents that have had the easy ride of privilege and domain in their "way of life", at the costs of others bloodshed.

The machine they have created called "the federal government" has inflicted every walk of life and all races, everyone has sacrificed blood and life to enjoy some level of liberty and still many minorities, women and disenfranchised taxpayers continue to have no voice at all.

Now these religiously driven, white privileged, hate and war mongoring people come simply because an African American sits in the whitehouse.

All these people want to do is set the nation back 100 years to when ignorance and apathy ran America.

We must not go backwards. Mankind is meant to evolve forward, not backwards.

dmarks said...

"Only white, uneducated religious fanatics with the goals to keep white females from aborting their young think abortion is wrong."

I checked the facts on this, and despite your attempt at a racist and untrue smear against those who oppose abortion, about half of Blacks oppose abortion also. I do not know the views of Native Americans on this.

It is interesting to note also that Planned Parenthood was founded with an explicit "eugenics" approach at limiting the numbers of or killing those of what the founder considered to be "inferior" non-white races. To this day, the abortion industry supports government subsidies to encourage abortions, victimizing a disproportionate amount of minority children.

A quote from the Planned Parenthood founder: ""We do not want word to go out that we want to exterminate the Negro population," she said, "if it ever occurs to any of their more rebellious members."

Burt also mentioned "Race Preservation". Mention of such a concern is common, using such words, among white supremacists.

Burt said...

So since you've quoted me, quoting white supremacist, does that make you a racists as well, dmarks?

Surely not.

If you read further and try not to "dissect" and analyze my writing, my point in fact was about the killing of abortion doctors and protests coming from the religious right dmarks, show me one single anti-abortion African American protester or assassin.

Most people, from all walks, oppose abortions dmarks, but they do not oppose it enough to protest or make it a campaign issue, except for white Christian candidates.

You confuse your beliefs and politico ideoligy with fact and reality Dmarks! Grow-up!

dmarks said...

Burt: The incidents of assassinations of abortionists are so extremely rare (fortunately) as to defy any sort of racial generalization.

"Most people, from all walks, oppose abortions dmarks,"

But you yourself said "Only white, uneducated religious fanatics... think abortion is wrong."

So what you are claiming is that most people from all walks of life are white uneducated religious fanatics. Even when these walks of life include high education, being brown, etc.

"You confuse your beliefs and politico ideoligy with fact and reality Dmarks! Grow-up!"

No, I do not. However, you are the one who is letting your own racism trump facts and color your "ideoligy".

Burt said...

Dmarks, let me write this very carefully for you. You seem to misread, misinterpret and misunderstand everything you read.

ACTS of violence to assert ones religious views and opposing abortions is what I am trying to say here.

I apologize if my grammar, spelling and sentences are not as proficient or advanced for your intellectually stimuli to grab, I hope the majority of readers in these posts understand where I am coming from, but you seem to tag anyone racist or liberal if they do not meet your needs.

We are all in this together Dmarks and I assure you I have not lived in a privileged and fortunate setting than you obviously have and do.

I will try not to offend you.

Anonymous said...

Actually, Scott, it's far less sinister than a genocidal scheme. Rich communities have representatives on the zoning boards. Abortion clinics are a NIMBY, along with Walmarts, payday lenders, and porn shops.

Rob said...

Not that it's relevant to this posting, but I'd say Burt is wrong. I believe blacks oppose abortion more than whites do.

For more on the subject, see:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abortion_in_the_United_States#Public_opinion

http://socrel.oxfordjournals.org/content/53/1/97.full.pdf